Anxiously Waiting For This Feeling To Fade

Come on, anxiety. Why are you always bothering me?

There it is. Here comes that feeling again. It often attacks at will. At some random, inconvenient moment in time — anxiety.

When it strikes, it’s hard to trust my own thoughts. Thinking about everything and nothing all at once. My heart races at scenarios that don’t, won’t, or can’t exist. Every attempt to close the open browsers in my mind fails.

It doesn’t matter. I can look you right in the face as my mind spins into chaos. I can look at you, smile, and you’d never know. I am not afforded the opportunity to be so vulnerable.

On the outside, I often seem so relaxed. It’s a must in my profession.

I referenced it during my disdain for holidays. My profession forces you to put up walls. There’s no time for emotions. There’s never time to breathe. Vulnerability is considered a weakness and you will be eaten alive.

Over the years, I’ve been in so many stress-filled, high-pressure, anxious moments. There’s no time to lose composure. Save that for your moments of solitude. Keep those to yourself.

This description of me last year sticks with me. It’s weird to me. It was said because it seems like nothing bothers me. Literally, so many things are bothering me. But that’s my burden to bear, and no one else’s — until it is.

After all, as good as I am, it’s impossible to keep bottled up 100% of the time. Sometimes, I carry too much on my shoulders. Not only for me, but for others. Sometimes I do too much, and those moments expose me.

The right mix of pain, stress, and randomness, can bring the vulnerability out. I don’t like to be vulnerable. I don’t like for anyone to see what I go through. I’m supposed to be the first person in history to control their anxiety.

Sarcasm aside, lately, it’s been hard to hide. Since I moved last fall, I haven’t seen anyone or taken anything for it. The stress and pain of these months has opened the flood gates. Sleepless nights and overthinking everything…

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