Mindful Padre

How Mindfulness can help men strengthen the journey of Fatherhood

My name is Sostenes Lima, and I’m a father, psychotherapist, and clinical consultant living in Los Angeles, California. When I’m not spending time with my family, I’m usually in the therapy room assisting folks in processing life transitions and recovering from psychological and circumstantial traumas. Even though the space in my office is geared toward the patient, I’m still presented with similar steps of mindfulness, reflection, and inner healing. In the same vein, my experiences as a father have encouraged me to curate a space in my practice to work with men on their fatherhood journey. This piece is the first in a series of articles where I will highlight how Mindfulness can be a tool of strength and restoration for fathers while providing tangible practices to try at home.

As a therapist, I know the science behind Mindfulness and have seen how it can help people positively connect to their body and sense of self. A process that, over time, can create lasting positive changes and help people cope with ongoing life transitions. My goal is to promote a relatable praxis that fosters integration and wholeness while simultaneously naming the challenges of fatherhood. Overall, I want fathers to reimagine and live in a dynamic where we are fully present, self-aware, and connected to our bodies, mind, and emotions.

What is Mindfulness
Mindfulness is a term being thrown around from local Yoga studios to the corporate worlds of Lower Manhattan, from the spiritual circles in Sedona to professional sports with the Lebron James Calming App mindfulness exercises. The hype around Mindfulness is real and tangible but too often mystified, making it feel unrelatable; consequently, it can gatekeep mindfulness away from people who once held similar practices but called it by a different name. For the sake of the tradition, it’s worth noting that the commercialization of Mindfulness can detour the practice from its original intent, which I will bring attention to in the future.

The Mayo Clinic describes Mindfulnesses as “a type of meditation where you focus on being intensely aware of what you’re sensing and feeling at the moment, without the need for interpretation or judgment. Practicing Mindfulness involves breathing methods, guided imagery, and other practices to relax the body and mind and help reduce stress” (Mayo Foundation for Medical Education and Research, 2020). Clinically, Mindfulness is a well-studied coping mechanism that can help reduce mental health symptoms. Practically speaking, Mindfulness is a practice that centers your attention on the present moment and directs you to be deeply aware of self, body, mind, emotions, spirit, and environment. Mindfulness, when practiced in-depth, is a form of concentrated wholeness, an intimate connection between your thoughts, body, and external world. So you ask, what does this have to do with fatherhood?

Fatherhood and Mindfulness
The need for fathers to be present for their children has been an issue for many generations. I have sat with many patients who talked about their physically or emotionally absent fathers. Patients who verbally painted a picture of middle-aged men reclining in a lazy boy with a remote in one hand and beer in the other while disconnected from reality. Now, these patients are perpetrating a similar cycle to their fathers by often scrolling on phones, playing video games, or having significant moments where they zone out rather than being present with their kids. These disconnecting behaviors are arguably not harmful and can be restful under the proper context when done responsibly. However, the problem with repeatedly “checking out,” “numbing,” or “mildly dissociating” is that it can eventually become a part of your personality trait or way of being. These forms of disconnecting are usually related to underlining issues that mindfulness can serve as the first step to treating. These symptoms can misrepresent the fullness of who you are and seep into interactions, particularly impeding your ability to hold space for others. Being fully present while holding space for another human being is a huge part of parenting. Therefore, I ask this question, how will you be present for your child if you cannot hold space for yourself?

In mindfulness, the present can be captured by mirroring your experiences to your conscious self. Start by simply noticing and observing your breath, then give attention to your body and notice sensations, feelings, and thoughts. This reflective process gives insight into your reactions, motivations, and positive and negative sentiments.

What does it look like to be a mindful father? A father who can be present in the parent-child relationship where communication is accessible and thoughts, ideas, and feelings are acknowledged. It’s insight-oriented practice validating your experience as a father while being fully present for your children. Mindfulness teaches you to center your attention so you can notice the rise of anxiety, sensations, thoughts, or whatever uniquely surfaces for you. Effectively, Mindfulness increases the awareness of who you are — providing you with insight and an inner compass to know when these experiences come up and what environments/interactions trigger them. Therefore, granting you a moment of breath to choose your response rather than just reacting. Simultaneously, giving you the knowledge, intuition, and compassion to notice when others have these experiences. This provides you with a mindful map and the ability to make informed choices in the here and now rather than responding from past experiences.

Mindfulness Exercise: Your Best Version as a Father
(Orient your body)
Orient your body by adjusting and getting comfortable in your seat. Take a moment and notice your overall experience. In unison, you will slowly give all your attention to your breath and body.
(Visualize)
Now recall a time in the past 24 hours when you felt most like your best self in the presence of your child. (Extend the time frame if something doesn’t come to mind from the last day.) Hold the image of your positive interaction with your child.
(Awareness of Self)
As you remember this event in a detailed way — almost as if it was happening again- Notice your five senses in the memory. What did you see around you? What were you touching? Were there any sounds and smells around you? Were you eating or drinking something?
(Awareness of the Body)
Notice what happens in your body in this present moment as you hold the image in mind. Do any pleasant, neutral, or unpleasant sensations come up?
(Reflection)
What did you notice about your overall experience?

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