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Trauma and Loneliness

I am going to write this post and let all of this go right here and now.

Some people have the best of things and they don’t necessarily realize it. Here I am saying this and I am about to go on a tirade about things that I need to let go of. Let’s be honest. I didn’t have it all that bad, there were a lot of people that really did look out for me and tried to help make my life better. Much to their chagrin, I didn’t turn out that well. I didn’t turn out the way that everyone planned.

Let me be honest, I have put up with so much in my life that I am afraid that if I get “better”, and finish the road to recovery, that I am going to die soon afterwards in some tragic accident or some tragic event. There is the anxiety that there is going to be this story on the news about this single father that gets murdered or something, and the thing that people can say about me is that I was getting my life back together. I had dealt with an abusive marriage, and came out on the other side of it.

I need to let go of that fear. That’s why I am writing it now. Because that has always been a fear of mine. Just like my Step Mom likes to point out that you will regret things that you do in life and if you don’t fix a severed relationship with someone, then you might not know what you were so mad about in the first place.

Let me also say that I want everyone to know, that I believe that my parents loved me and it wasn’t until I got older that I knew that they did. I was extremely lucky that I had step parents that were magnificent people toward me as well. Good thing that my mother is gone because if she saw some of what I am writing right now, she would disown me.

I don’t know how people can walk around and think that when you treat your child like a pawn like my ex does, that that is good for your children, that’s exactly how my parents treated me. Like I was a pawn, that I was nothing more than money, that I was nothing more than a burden on their lives, that I was nothing to them. That I was just a child and they had to put up with me until the day either of them died, that I was nothing. I was just picked up and dropped off and I meant nothing to them. A burden.

I took up video games at a young age, because I could lose myself in a virtual world for hours on end and escape from the realities that were my life, I would just block out the world and save the princess, save the world all so that I didn’t have to deal with the pain that I constantly felt, feeling like a burden on my parents and everyone else.

That’s how I feel now, like I am a burden on people, they tell me to suck it up and deal with it, but you know what? Sucking it up doesn’t help. Therapy doesn’t help, no matter how much I talk about things, it never gets let go. Its still there, thats why I am writing, that’s why I am doing this, because this is the only thing that won’t judge me. I know that therapists aren’t supposed to judge you, but they are human nonetheless, they are going to pass judgement about you when you go home. That’s just the reality.

My Mom was single for years after her divorce with my Dad and I never understood why. 8 years, raising me, well technically not raising me, she left me with my grandma all of the time and grandma used to do things with me to keep me happy and out of trouble, and she would buy me things. It was the pure fact that I knew that my Grandma was a constant.

I also know that my other Grandparents were another constant in my life, they are still great to talk to even if they aren’t in the best of shape anymore. It just saddens me to see such wonderful people deteriorate like they have. I still wonder if my Great Grandma is still looking down on me to make sure that I am doing alright, I hope my Mom is too, I just don’t know if she remembers the things that she put me through that directly mirrored what my ex-wife did.

If I had bipolar, why was I never medicated, why don’t I ever self medicate? Why don’t I do these things? I am not sure, I am not sure why I never went crazy with all of the, “you’re sick” that she did to me. I needed anger management, all of the time according to her. No I just needed you to pay attention to me and spend time with me when I needed you, I could never rely on you to spend the time with me that I needed, instead I had to show you in different ways that I needed attention, like the cutting when you were gone all of the time with my Step Dad, that was some bullshit. I just never could adjust to things. Then when Grandma died and we had to sell the house because you decided that living with John was more important to you than what you had with Grandma in the sense that she took you out of the Will for what you did.

Or how about the time that you found the photos of me and my girlfriend at the time and we had that big fight in the house? You hit me with a spoon and I went off and tossed the monitor for the computer down on the ground. Lets examine how both of those events in my life you just brushed me off on someone else to fix me, just like you brushed me off on Grandma. That caused so much trauma to me in my life and you fucked it up for me. I resolved to be better than that.

I am not sure why I defended you to my Dad when all you did was brush me off, it was all of the brain washing about how I when I was sick you took care of me. How you did all of this stuff for me, in the end, it was only vacations and stuff that I got to spend any time with you and I don’t remember any of those vacations being free of control that I got.

I just disappeared right back into the video games that I needed to escape in. My gameboy was a constant source of solace for me all of the time.

Now I am in the position where I feel like I am not loved. There are times when I want to go home to Michigan, because at the very least I would be around people that love me, I know that my child loves me, but I don’t think that I will be able to find love again, or ever.

My ex has tried to get back together with me but there has been a loss of trust since she put the protection order on me during the divorce. It is no longer a thing, but I am not going to put up with her shit either, there was a lot of things that were done that just can’t be undone, and I wish that I could forgive all of that.

The fact is, she treats me like I am some child and I hate that, I am a 37 year old dad who pays bills and all that stuff. There is no way I am going to let something happen to my daughter. My dad says that I am a better parent than he ever was a lot of the time. I just don’t know how I am.

Every time I am questioned about everything. This has been my life. This stems from my Mom claiming that I was never an adult. Even when I started to live on my own and all of that stuff, she never considered me an adult. She always thought of me as this lonely little boy that couldn’t do anything. It sucked. When I was in my 20s I was living with a girlfriend of mine and my Mom would call and tell me not to do laundry for a while so that she could do it for me when I went over for dinner.

Thing is my Mom was so back and forth with our relationship, there was that love/hate thing all of the time and I got so used to it, that when my ex wife does it to me, I just go back to it again and again. I can’t have a relationship with a girl because of it. I am always back and forth. I want someone to love me and be with me, but I don’t want to put up with that. One minute you hate me, the next you love me. I am all over the place with this. This is the type of thing that I put up with my Mom, she kicked me out of the house twice when I was growing up, both times are when I grew up and started to fight back.

Living with your parents isn’t the greatest thing in the world to deal with especially when you grow up and have your independence, and I hope that I don’t do the same thing to Bella. See all of this stuff greatly effected me to such a degree that now I don’t know how to properly love someone, because so many people have been in and out of my life. I developed insecurities because of it, because I felt like everyone was going to leave me at some point or another.

If I write about it, I am able to let it go more thoroughly than talking about it to a therapist or anyone else. My Dad tells me not to dwell in the past, but there are things that I never dealt with in the past that I need to let go of and deal with.

At the same time I am talking about all of this, there was my mother’s death. I think that is what is missing from my life at this point, my Mom. Sure we had our issues and she did treat me like shit, but I think that is something that I got used to over the years, and then it just went away, so instead of having to deal with the abuse that she would rain down on me, I instead rained that down on other people.

This is a big moment for me, I can feel something coming out of me that I don’t think that I have ever said before, I was so used to her emotional abuse that I never quite dealt with it. I never quite dealt with myself turning around and doing it to someone else. That is something that I did to someone else, I did it to numerous other people in life. That is all that I knew. That is all I was brought up with. I am going to sit with this a minute, and continue on. I would get calls from my Mom bitching at me about the things that I didn’t do when I was out with my friends or my girlfriends at the time, and getting so used to that, I didn’t know what to do when she wasn’t doing it.

Yesterday I turned Inglorious Basterds on and it brought up a memory a bad memory and what my Mom used to do to me. I don’t think that she ever knew how to be happy, ever. So I was dating this girl years ago and when that movie came out I wanted to see it so badly because World War II is one of my favorite eras of history. My Mom and I got into a fight on the phone and I left my girlfriend in the theater to get bitched out most of the time in the movie theater by my Mom about something so stupid. I don’t even remember what it was she was bitching at me about, but eventually I had to hang up the phone.

I missed a good portion of that movie, I don’t remember certain parts of it for that reason. I don’t understand why she could never be a happy person and why her life was so miserable that she had to treat me the way she did. I really will never understand that. I would get anxiety when I would get a phone call from her, and sometimes just ignore it til I got home and then called her back or dealt with her wraith.

There is a reason that I treat my ex the way that I do, and that is because she would do the same things to me all of the time. I would be out with the guys from work getting drinks, trying to up my career, and she would be bothering me to come home all of the time. She would be texting me and calling me. She still does it when I have our daughter. It’s the anxiety that she has being separated from me and my daughter. That is what my Mom’s problem was too, letting go of me and when she died I will never forget when we were in the hospital room and she grabbed my hand and cried, and said “I love you” and then started the month long process of her dying.

I didn’t hear a peep out of her for a month after that, and then my Step Dad called me and said that her blood pressure was going down, and then she died when I got to the hospital. She always said that she was going to die, and that she wanted to run away from her life and I am wondering why that was, I am wondering why she wanted to run away from her life. She had me most of the time, yeah her life wasn’t so rosy all of the time, but at the very least, she had me. She had John. She had Jazzmyn and Salina our cat and dog, and everyone was healthy for the most part. Of course life wasn’t what Mom planned it out to be, it was never like that for me either.

So how do I do this? How do I let go of all of this stuff? I am doing it right now. There is some piece in writing and putting down my thoughts and working through them and realizing that things could be so much worse than they are. There are days when I wish that I could win the lottery, but then what? What does that do for me? I would still drink dunkin doughnuts coffee, I would still like the occasional glass of Malbec, I would still just be me, I would still just be the person that I am right now. I wouldn’t be any better other than I would maybe feel more confident that my bills would paid off and up to date.

Lets talk about this for a minute, I remember the rainy days at Wayne State when I would be in the library on the second floor and I would watch the rain coming down on the students walking to class, and I knew that I would be doing the same thing at some point in that day. I knew that I would be using my umbrella to shield myself from the rain, but there were days where I would look out from my perch in the library and feel an other whelming sense of loneliness, especially when I would see a couple walking past me. But lets go back to the lottery for a second then I will go back to my college days.

If I won, I would still be lonely and sad. I would be happy for a minute, because “yay things would be better” for that moment, because I know that I would have things paid off, but then I think about something someone said to me last year.

The dude had a Tesla at one point, and he had all kinds of girls asking for rides, all kinds of hot girls asking for rides. His apartment was nothing though, because he was car poor, he was spending so much money on the car, and the girls only wanted him for his car. Once he got rid of that car he was nothing after that. I am not sure if that guy ever found love or had it or not. But I think that money just makes it so that people use you, and they think that you are going to be their savior with money.

Sure I probably wouldn’t have to work, but then what? Start up a real estate empire? Start up a software company? Make video games? I don’t know.

The fact is I would still be lonely because no one would truly love me. No one would ever think anything of me. I would still be the same person in the end. Or atleast that is how I feel now, I am not truly loved or I don’t feel that I am, I don’t feel like I am worth anything to anyone. That is my own doing though, I know that, because I put this wall up and wear a mask that everything is just fucking perfect. Everything is awesome all of the time, when in fact there is pain behind the mask and the wall keeps out the love that I would otherwise like to feel myself.

I intentionally push people away. Going back to college and watching people, I would be hiding in the library, near a window because I didn’t want anyone to find me there. I would be there, because I didn’t want to see my girlfriend that day or some other thing like that.

I would also want a girlfriend all of the time because people assumed that I was gay otherwise, I am not sure why that ever was. Maybe it was because I had a lot of girlfriends, because they provided the stuff that my Mom didn’t when I was growing up, they nurtured me, they made me feel important and that’s why I always had girls as friends. I was never gay, I tried that once and it wasn’t my thing. I got curious in college for a minute.

I expected things to go differently, but I just couldn’t deal with being abused anymore and dishing out the abuse myself. I couldn’t keep doing that, that is what my relationship with my mother was like. But now I know where my sense of abandonment came from. Shit. Mom would always say that she wanted to run away, and there were times that she wouldn’t be there if I was say, taking a nap on the weekends, and she would be at the neighbors house or something like that. I would flip out and go out in the street and cry my eyes out and scream for her. I didn’t know what happened to her, because she always said that she wanted to run away from me and everything. It wasn’t just when she met John and wasn’t around all of the time and didn’t give me attention, it was when she wasn’t there at all.

I felt a lone a lot of the time because she would just set me in my room and wouldn’t play with me, and when I had my best friend at the house, I didn’t feel that way, but when it was time for that friend to go home, I would feel that cold rush of loneliness creeping in. If I didn’t have anyone to play with it was lonely, because I didn’t think that people wanted me to be around them.

That is how I feel now. When I stop driving for Lyft at night the cold rush of loneliness creeps in, because I spent the entire night with people and now they were all gone and yes I have a cat at home, and she is most friendliest cat you ever met, she can be a little bitch at times, but she’s still there to give me comfort. She likes to lay on top of me when I sit down or get in bed. I guess I just want someone there, another human that I can talk to, instead of a wonderful pet, she’s great, and I had Salina my cat, that really kept me in check as a kid, but it still didn’t help at all. I wanted my Mom a lot of the time and instead I had Grandma, and when Grandma finally died, it was just the icing on the cake to me losing things.

I am just in the position right now were I realize that people are going to die so I tend to not get too attached to them, people leave your life for various reasons. Alot of it is my fault, because I haven’t fully been able to let go of things, again writing is helping that, but still there has been a lot of things that have happened that I just couldn’t let go of.

I went to therapy to get fixed, then I realized that I needed to fix myself. I needed to fix the things that I could never fix before, and I examined all of this in therapy, but for some reason it just didn’t help and I would say things to people and they would get angry about it. They just didn’t understand what I was going through and the things that I was digging up from the past that I thought that I had let go of, and processed.

So today, I am letting things go, I am going to resolve to put the protection order behind me, she will never understand my pain, or how that felt, because she feels justified doing what she did, no matter what. I am going to resolve to leave everything in the past on this blog and leave it there, because that is where it needs to lay. I need to put to rest the things that I had dealt with and stop thinking that everyone wants to think that I am a child. I am an awesome dad, I am the best dad. I don’t need anyone’s approval or validation. It just doesn’t do me any good. It doesn’t serve me.

I am going to put behind me the fact that my ex treats me the same way that my Mom does, when she wants something, because that is her nature, and I am going to resolve to find someone that won’t treat me like that any longer. This is letting go, this is getting all of the stuff out of my life that I need to get out, this is me sitting here driving out the demons of the past so I no longer have to deal with them. This is a relief.

I am broken and so are so many other people, and the fact of the matter is, people don’t get that they are broken and fucked up. They just want to live their life like they aren’t, or use it as an excuse to use some substance that will ultimately fuck them up the rest of their life.

I want someone. I do. Perhaps I will find that person, but I am not looking. I am not actively trying to find someone. I am not actively pursuing anyone, because I needed to figure out all of this stuff, and let it go. So that I can be healthy for the next person whomever that maybe, I am getting rid of the anger and the pain, and I am going to stop thinking about the past and dwelling on it and how much it hurt me, because it is done and gone and it is on the pages of this blog. I won’t let the past define me anymore.

I feel so much better having written this. I feel free. Free from my pain, free from my demons of the past. I will be writing more stuff, and letting more stuff go I am sure, but now I think that the relief is coming. Last night when I was started writing this particular post, I felt a huge release, and started to fall asleep, because all of that had been stored up for so long before, so I had to finish up today, and write more, let more go. Feel the pressure of that stuff sit there and just let it go.

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